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  Rewind 10
September 2010  

If it feels good... dont do it... It's probably Illegal.

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Wow... I'm bad at keeping up with this.  
07:34pm 25/09/2010
So, we bought a house in a cute little neighborhood... and we had a baby boy. He's the greatest thing that's ever happened to me, and I love him more than life itself. He's super.
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Wow... long time no update... So here we go...  
05:24pm 27/02/2010
So much has happened in the last year. We got married, had a beautiful little outdoor wedding and a nice little honeymoon. Things have been going pretty good for the most part ever since. I'm happier than I was a year ago... and now I'm 19 weeks pregnant today... and I'm just super excited about that. After finding out we were going to have a baby we decided that of course we were going to need a new place... and well... now we're in the process of buying the cutest little house ever... and really I just hope everything works out. I know that no matter what goes wrong in life... I really am blessed... and I'm just going to trust and believe that God really does know what's best for me... and just leave it in his hands. So... yeah.. well... that's what's been going on here.
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Bundle of nerves...  
09:39am 09/06/2009
Alright... I'm getting married in 18 days. This is supposed to be the happiest time of my life... but... it's hard. Three days from now will be the one year anniversary of my father's passing. I miss him like hell... and it sucks he wont be attending my wedding. I'm so nervous about the whole thing... I havent even really planned it to be honest... and I dont really want to plan it. I think I'm mainly having a wedding to please my mom... I know my father will never get the chance to see his baby girl walk down the aisle so... I'm not going to take that away from my mom. I love Matt more than words can say... and I know there is nobody else on the face of the earth that is better suited for me... so... I'm fairly certain I'm doing the right thing. But... nothing in life is ever really certain for sure... and who knows... I may still end up old and alone... that's just how life works... it's all a gamble.
I tried on my dress again yesterday, as I figured it didnt fit. A bit of advice-- Never quit smoking 2 months before a big event... you wont be able to fit into your dress... and unless you're starving yourself... you WILL gain weight. I dont think the bit of extra meat looks bad on me though... which is always a plus. I dont know... I'm rambling.
I'm off work now... until September 10th... or whenever they decide to call me back. Most people would enjoy being off for the summer, but... since Matt still has to work... it sucks.. I'm stuck at the house alone all day... and well... I'm bored... and lonely. God I wish my Dad was still around. I miss him so much.... I dont think anything is ever going to take the pain away. I feel like a giant part of me went missing a year ago... and I still havent gotten it back. My mom lost both of her parents in a car accident at the same time... she says it never gets all the way better, but it does get better with time... I just wonder how much time it takes... it still seems so weird to think that no matter what I do... or how good of a person I am... I'm never going to see him again... and that just makes me feel sick. I cant keep thinking about it... it only makes it harder. So... I'm going to go do something to take my mind off everything.
Tunes Pretty--- The Cranberries.
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Sudden realizations....  
12:18am 27/05/2009
I've realized that well... in spite of being in a serious relationship... I'm really fucking lonely. Like... I miss having friends. Like I have my fiance, and he's like my best friend... but I cant sit down and have heart to hearts with him you know. Like I miss having friends. I know we're always hanging out with people and shit, but those are all his friends... I really have no friends of my own... and well... now that I see how much I miss that, it really makes me sad. I have no girls that I can just sit around and talk to. The only people I can call when I have something to say is my mom... and well.. there are just some things I dont really want to discuss with my mom.
I'm getting married next month... so... I've seen my last penis. I dont know... but something about that thought just seems so weird to me. I mean... I'm cool with the idea of it... it just seems so strange to think that I'll never again have the excitement of having sex with someone new. I dont know...it's pretty hard to explain.
While I'm on the list of things that are on my mind... I guess I should throw this one in.... I want a baby.... not just kinda... but really really want. I cant be around an infant with out feeling this giant hole in me that just wants to have one so bad. I feel almost like having a child is like an urgent thing... and I need to do it soon. I never believed that biological clocks exist... but being a female... I can tell you they do. I think it all started around 23... but it's gotten worse progressively ever since... now I'm 25... and I feel as though if I dont get pregnant soon... well... I just feel like I'm missing out.
So... I'm having a bit of a whiney blah moment here... give me a break... I'm allowed a moment of weakness every now and then. My father has been dead almost a year... he's never coming back... I get that now, but it's still hard to swallow.... my uterus is going to dry up soon if I dont reproduce... and I really just miss girl talk. And yeah... that's my rant of the day. I'm sad... I'm lonely... even though I'm very loved.... and I really just want to have a child that chances are will grow up to be just as fucked up mentally as I am. Well... enough said... time for another beer... and then... I guess I'll go to bed and hopefully wake up in a better mood not feeling as shitty as I do at the moment.
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Writer's Block: Seven  
09:59pm 05/02/2009
Which of the seven deadly sins—sloth, greed, lust, gluttony, anger, envy, and pride—are you most likely to commit?

Well, lets see here.... I'm sure at some point or another I've been guilty of all of the seven deadly sins... but I'll break this down nice and simple.

Sloth-- Well... this one is kind of a coin toss here. I mean I've worked and have had a job ever since I was 16, and I never miss a day unless someone dies or I have a doctor appointment (which I tend to try and schedule for my days off)... So that kind of kills the sloth thing, but... on the weekends my little sloth monster shows up, and I try my best to just relax and be kind of lazy. So... I'm not sure if that's really considered sloth or not.

Greed-- Well... I've never really had much, and I've never really had a problem with that, and I'd probably give someone my last dollar if I thought they needed it so... I dont see this one as being a major issue in my life.

Lust-- Oh... don't get me started on this one. I think this is the one out of all of them which will be the most responsible for sending me to hell if I end up there. I dont mean to lust, I just kind of cant help it. I dont even really have to want a relationship with the person, sometimes I really just want to do the nasty and that's it... I really dont care to hang out with the person... so... I dont know. I think my brain is kind of wired like a guy's when it comes to that... and I dont mean to do it, that's just how it works. Sometimes with out meaning to I catch myself checking people out... like seriously checking out, and I wont go into my deepest darkest thoughts from there haha... SO yeah... lust for me.. is a biggie.

Gluttony-- Eh... eating a ton is disgusting, I really dont have a problem here.

Anger-- I have rage issues, yeah... I sin all the time on this one. I really try hard to watch my temper, but some days even the slightest thing will set me off... and sometimes I really have to control myself, or I'll end up saying or doing something I'll regret.

Envy-- I'm not really a jealous person, like... I don't like people toying with what is mine, but that isnt envy. And the only time I really get jealous is over my fiance, and then I dont even really get that jealous because I tend to be more attractive than most girls around here... and because of my lust issue, I can pretty well guess I'm far more talented... so yeah... any way... all this boasting leads me to my next sin.

Pride-- Well... this one goes back and forth with me depending on my mood swing, Im bi-polar, so... when I'm depressed, I dont really have a pride problem because I tend to hate myself at those times, but... when I'm manic... you cant bring me down haha... And tonight.. I'm manic, and... I'm the greatest.. just so you know.
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Just rambling...  
07:34pm 27/01/2009
I realize my life will never just go back to normal now. Nothing will ever quite be the same. I never realized how important my father was to me until suddenly one day he was gone. It just seems like I have so many things left to say, so much to learn still, and so many things I should have said more often. I've tried so hard to try and get used to the fact that he's dead and he's not coming back... but it's still really difficult. I try not to talk about it that often, and yet... it pops into my head like a million times a day. I may not be better yet, but... I'm getting there, I'm doing much better than I was when it happened, and although every day is a struggle, I think I'm going to get used to it eventually. I doubt I'll ever really just get over it, but hopefully I'll have better days and I can learn to cope and maybe it wont hurt so bad. All in all... I'd say things are going rather well for me, and hopefully it will only get better from here. Anyway. I guess that's all I have to say for now.
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A fantastic Saturday...  
02:01pm 07/09/2008
Yesterday morning, I had to wake up super early and go out to the middle of nowhere and sit in a classroom all day, about 10 hours.... but... It was worth it. I learned so much about the laws concerning carrying concealed weapons... and at the end of the day, I passed my shooting test on the range with flying colors and got my certificate to take to the sheriff's department so I can get my conceal and carry license. I'm so excited. The sheriff's deputy that gave the course was super nice and taught us a lot... after I passed the course I ordered a little Kel-Tec .32 off of him and I can't wait to get it, it's a nice light weight law enforcement grade handgun that is perfect for conceal and carry... and I also got a pack of these plus pressure rounds that I can use for personal defense. I'm so freaking excited... Can you tell?? But yeah... now all I have to do is go to the sheriff's department, take a background check and let them take my finger prints... and yeah.. that should be the easy part since I have a spotless record. Alright... I think this is going to be a short update since I have other things to do today.
Attitude happyhappy
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The 2ND Amendment and Me <33  
02:05pm 03/09/2008
I just have to say how much I really love the 2nd amendment. I myself own an 8mm mag (safari grade) rifle, a 410 double barrel shotgun, a .32 CZ handgun, and my baby an AR15, and I'm planning on getting a .380 soon. I think being a gun owner is part of being an American, they specifically put it in the constitution for a reason. I love knowing that if something should happen I have the right to defend myself, and my home. So... to take the love of my rights one step farther I'm taking my conceal and carry course this weekend.. so I can get my conceal and carry license which means I can take my handgun practically anywhere (except the places that have signs posted saying otherwise). I'm so excited, and to make having to sit through and eight hour class even better, my fiance is taking his too... so at least I won't be alone.
I love my rights, and I love the freedoms that come along with being American, however... I feel a bit nervous and guilty voting for Obama... I love the guy, and he definitely has my vote. I just really don't like his view on gun control. I don't like the fact that he wants to ban assault rifles... I think even if they changed the laws on them, criminals would still find ways of getting them... and a lot of law abiding citizens own them.. and all they shoot are targets... and yeah... I think it's crap that I should have to give up one of my guns just because criminals break the law. They are CRIMINALS... they are still going to own assault rifles even if it's illegal... so why force the good people to give theirs up?? I don't know, but... it's B.S. just the same. Anyway... I'm excited, I can't wait to get my CCL. W00t!!
Attitude excitedexcited
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Writer's Block: The Expendable Sense(s)  
10:09am 01/09/2008
If you had to give up one of your five senses, which could you live without?

I think I'd probably be willing to go without the sense of smell. I like being able to see... and touch, and hear, and taste so life just wouldn't be as great without those. I know that sometimes when I get a cold and my sinuses get clogged up and I cant smell I also tend to lose some taste with it... but I really think it would be worth the sacrifice to never have to smell a fart again. I know I'd be giving up the good smells too, like fresh cut grass, Thanksgiving dinner being cooked, but... working right next to a person with bad hygiene has taught me that I might not be so opposed to never smelling anything else... ever. Anyway... yeah... that's all I got.
Attitude contentcontent
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A pretty good weekend....  
11:21pm 31/08/2008
So normally my fiance and I sit at home all weekend not really doing much of anything. This weekend we decided to go out since his birthday was Tuesday. So we ended up going to the lake with a couple of his friends to a bar / restaurant. We actually had a pretty good time. I don't really like the though of drunk driving so before we went to the bar we rented a room at a decent hotel, as fate would have it the only smoking room available with a king size bed happened to be the jacuzzi suite so.... that's what we got. So... at the bar I ended up smashed which is rare for me since I tend to be the designated driver and all... and then we went back to the room... I played in the jacuzzi... and we did the nasty... and yeah... it was great. I don't know what makes drunk sex so fantastic and all... but really... it's great. So... I woke up this morning with a lovely little hangover... and made my way back home where we ended up sleeping half the day away. Later, we went to check on our puppy out at Dad's land (which should be in my name very very soon) and all in all.... I'd say I've had a pretty good weekend. Tomorrow is our last day off work before going back, and that kind of sucks... but I'm used to working all the time, and I imagine Id get bored if I didn't have a job to go to ... so yeah... Anyway I'm running out of things to talk about.
Attitude pleasedpleased
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